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®
the wave of the future
Say hello to the dawn of a new age. An age where the impossible will become your everyday life. Extend your hand outward and shake hands with the revolution. Kiss your old, stale life good-bye and open the door to limitless possibilities. Extreme Bread® is the key to making all of these things happen.
Thanks to Walter McGuffin Industries, science fiction has become science fact. The glorious daydreams of old about some sort of baked good that would enhance every aspect of your life, are not longer daydreams. Thanks to a breakthrough technology in baking, Extreme Bread® blows all other brands of bread off the goddamn globe. McGuffin's Extreme Bread® takes it, your life, up a notch.
A List of Things Extreme Bread® May, or May Not Do:
1.) Triple your vertical leap.
2.) If put in your car, it will increase your gas mileage.
3.) Be a good luck charm.
4.) Increase virility.
5.) Ward off spells put on you by witches.
6.) Will get you out of a speeding ticket.
7.) Baby-sit your kids.
8.) Eliminate mildew.
9.) Scare away stray cats.
10.) Will sing you songs to you when you're sad.
11.) Shave .3 of a second off of your best 40 yard dash time.
12.) Bring the dead back to life.
13.) Clear up acne.
14.) House break your dog.
15.) Stop bullets.
16.) Heal abdominal knife wounds.
17.) Detect carbon monoxide.
18.) Take your messages.
19.) Is a form of legal tender.
20.) Has the ability to kill a dragon.
21.) Can make you fly at 30 minute intervals.
22.) When eaten with vitamin C tablets, it becomes a hallucinogen.
23.) Never gives in to mold. Never.
24.) Serves as an adequate floatation device.
25.) Will never rat you out to the cops.
26.) Will never commit adultery.
27.) Detect truthfulness from falsehoods.
28.) Tell Time.
29.) Eliminate hunger.
30.) Fire retardant.
31.) Tire patch.
32.) Licensed plummer.
33.) Unscratch compact discs.
34.) Eradicate fingerprints from murder weapons.
35.) Never judge you.
36.) Keep its mouth shut.
37.) Not vomit on the upholstery.
38.) Call home, if it's going to be out later than expected.
39.) Hotwire a car.
40.) Make you invisible.
41.) Ticket to heaven.
42.) Deter acid from burning your face.
43.) Recharge dead car batteries.
44.) Two pieces rubbed together will make oil.
45.) Supply 5 minutes of oxygen underwater.